Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
A lot of people are raised to believe that being good to others is the only way to be. It’s true, of course, but some people misconstrue what that actually means. Shame plays a part in that. We believe that our self worth comes from our actions towards others. Doing good = I am good. Doing bad = I am bad. Never mind that their version of “bad” just involves saying no, setting a boundary and staying firm in it.
Why am I talking about shame, self-worth, and good vs bad? I believe it is a cornerstone when it comes to how likely you are to attract or scare away a narcissist. In this article, I want to explore the ways how a narcissist destroys a person from the inside out. What do narcissists do to their victims? This post will hopefully answer your questions on this insidious group of people.
Do narcissists set traps?
Do narcissists play games? Are they that cunning and malicious? Who teaches them these manipulative skills and dark psychology? Narcissists are people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is characterized by inflated sense of self, but at the core, it is a syndrome of utter insecurity.
Insecure people employ sneaky tactics to gain attention and love. It really just comes from a place of lack. You feel like you are too full of shame to ask for things directly. Sometimes it’s because you don’t feel worthy. And so you resort to games and manipulation. If I do this, then I’ll gain their love.
In a similar way, narcissists set traps. Their traps are more malicious than a bid for love and acceptance. Some people actually don’t believe that narcissists have hearts capable of love (some people believe they have no souls!) Narcissists want a punching bag. They want a servant. They want to be heaped with praise and other words of affirmation. And they know just how to manipulate the unsuspecting sensitive person into their narcissistic trap.
What is hoovering in narcissistic relationships?
Hoovering is a situation where, you’re moving on from an ex, you don’t check your phone for their notifications anymore, you don’t reach out, and you’re really just focusing on healing. But then it happens. The ex texts you out of the blue. It’s always out of the blue when you least expect it. Now you are getting sucked back or “hoovered” into a reality where they exist in your everyday thoughts.
Hoovering can be mostly harmless. In fact, it doesn’t really count as hoovering if your ex needed time off to cool down and is now reaching out to establish a healthy connection for communication. However when it comes to people on the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder, hoovering brings dread and anxiety.
Hoovering is a perfect tool to employ on a narcissist’s favorite prey of choice: codependent and empathic people. These are people who feel responsible for other’s feelings. And when they try to heal and move on from a narcissistic ex, it’s actually a big deal because it takes a lot to detach from someone. To fall out of attachment – because such people can and do fall really hard.
Hoovering by a narcissist may involve asking for “one last conversation” or asking something mundane just to suck you back into their lives. Narcissists are people who cannot be alone. They need someone to be their service animal. Someone to entertain them. Someone to be their punching bag.
How Narcissists Scheme to Destroy You
Narcissists play games. It’s a cat and mouse game. They have so many tools in their narcissistic repertoire. Gaslighting. Love bombing. Negging. Emotional abuse. Hoovering. Word salad. Flying monkeys. So how do you discover a narcissist? How do you sniff them out? Here are a few ways narcissists scheme to destroy your self esteem and self worth.
1. Hot and cold behavior
Hot and cold behavior can be perceived in a lot of relationships, not just narcissistic ones. But hold and cold behavior by narcissists is a scheme to destroy you and any sense of worth and value that you ever saw in yourself. This narcissistic tool is a nightmare. It is the cycle of love bombing, silent treatment, and hoovering.
This narcissistic scheme can be likened to the casino gambling effect. People go to the casino to gamble for that one time that they make money. It’s a high and it keeps them coming for more. It only works because it targets a certain process in us humans. It’s a manipulative tactic. People don’t want to win all the time – it takes the fun out of the chance and risk.
In this same manner, a narcissist love bombs you with intense amounts of love – and then withdraws. It creates an effect in your neural pathways that lays down the groundwork for getting addicted, and in this case – to a person.
Then comes the cold behavior. Silent treatment. Passive aggressive. You don’t know what you did wrong. Everything was fine before. Maybe you were the problem? Maybe you should do things differently and try harder? Do you see the pattern?
Here comes the narcissistic abuse corroding your sense of self. Your hobbies are put in the back burner to help you hang on to the narcissist. To keep them happy – to make them give you that love they once did. You stop talking to friends and family. You isolate yourself. And this is how the narcissist destroys you from inside out.
2. Forever moving the goal posts
One of the worst things about a manipulative person is that they keep the cheese dangling before your eyes. You can see it and you think moving one step ahead will bring you one step closer to the prize. However, it’s a trap and you will never get your reward, even though you keep trying.
Narcissists train their victims to anticipate their every need. They show negative re-enforcement enough times to train your mind to do just what they want, so you can feel satisfied. They steal your self worth, self esteem, your spark, isolate you from friends and family, while you chase after their approval.
However, one thing to note is that no matter how much you do for a narcissist, it will never be enough. If things seem to be going a little too well, expect them to pull the rug from underneath your feet over a wildly outlandish attack to your personhood. Narcissists don’t like you for who you are, but rather for what you do. This might seem like a confusing thing to hear for most empaths, but healthy and safe people like you for who you are, not what you do for them.
3. Smear Campaigns
It has to be said that one of the worst ways that a narcissist schemes to destroy you – and not just your self esteem, but your standing in society and in the eyes of your community, friends, and family is by creating a smear campaign against you.
What is a narcissist smear campaign?
A smear campaign is when things are falling apart for a narcissist and they resort to spreading lies and rumors about a narcissistic abuse victim. Imagine that you have finally opened your eyes to the abuse of the narcissist – and by the way a lot of people don’t know that they are being abused; mostly because they are not aware of what healthy and safe relationships look like.
You may tell another person what hell it was to live with the narcissist. Maybe you break up with them or ask for a divorce. A narcissist cannot stand being discarded. So they begin to lie and spread shocking lies about you to everyone you know. Chances are, the narcissist is a right charmer and has all your friends and family in their pocket. And somehow people actually believe the narcissist. Never mind what YOU said about them! It is a shocking and distressful thing to go through for victims of narcissistic abuse.
Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are dangerous people. They scheme to destroy you. They want to break you down so you can become a mindless puppet, obeying their every command and anticipating their every need. In this article, I examined some ways how narcissists scheme to destroy you. We also took a look at what hoovering is. Narcissists employ traps to get you stuck in their dens, never to see your loved ones ever again.
Narcissism E-Book, Guide to Dealing with A Narcissist In Your Life
I successfully defeated a narcissist in my life, and I continue to defeat one in my life every day. This e-book is a collection of posts and journal entries that I look back on to remind me that no matter what, I am worthy. I am deserving. If you need a guide to show you how to deal with that narcissist in your life, and are called to buy this book, click here.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.
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