Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
These days, everyone is on the look out for red flags when it comes to dating – and rightfully so. No one wants to end up with a toxic narcissist for a partner. The thing with relationships is that it is easy for one person to hide their true nature in order to get into a relationship. But, people always slip up.
In this article, we want to take a look at how to tell the difference between a healthy vs a narcissistic relationship. It’s easy to fall for a narcissist based on their lies, deceit, and manipulation. But after reading this post hopefully you will learn to run away at the first sign of red flags of a narcissist!
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissists suffer from NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As much as mainstream media likes to label random people as “narcissists,” most people are just insecure and project a sense of ego to hide their lack of self-worth. Narcissists do that too, but they are far more sinister than the average egotistic person.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder (DSM-5), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. It falls under the Cluster B personality disorders like antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders are described by intense emotions and unpredictable behavior.
What are the most obvious signs of a narcissist?
When looking for love or relationships, we want to enjoy ourselves – not look out for dangerous people. But it’s better safe than sorry. Here are 12 traits of narcissists:
- Grandiose sense of self
- Entitlement
- Unending need for attention and validation
- Lack of empathy
- Failure to respect boundaries
- Embodying Victim Mentality
- Their feelings are the only thing that matter
- They are all good and you are all bad
- Failure to express themselves authentically
- Manipulative behavior
- Toxic traits such as gaslighting and negging
- Need for control
5 Differences between a healthy vs narcissist relationship
Let’s take a look at the key differences between a healthy and narcissistic relationship. It may not always be apparent. Life is not very binary – especially for us lay folk – you can never really know who has been clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. However, a good rule of thumb is not sweep red flags under the rug.
1. First Date
One of the most accurate ways to tell the difference between a healthy and narcissistic relationship is during the first few moments of contact. This could be in the form of the first date. Narcissists are by nature over the top with themselves. They have an inflated sense of self – or at least they want it to seem that way. With time, you’ll realize that this egotistic nature is a sham – a facade to hide behind, because they are very insecure.
On the first date, a narcissist may invite you to an expensive fine dining restaurant. They want to set the trap in just the right way to get their ideal victim. It’s true that many people do try their best to impress their date, but they keep it quite simple. A narcissist on the other hand, may pay for a cruise. They do whatever they can, according to them, that will entice you into being in a relationship with them.
Narcissists don’t really believe that anyone can get together with them just for who they are. That is why they go over the top – and most of the time it is make someone feel guilty enough to actually get into a relationship with them!
2. Things happen too fast
In a narcissistic relationship, be ready for things to happen too fast. It’s always intense in a narcissistic connection. They may go all out – in the form of love bombing, and make you feel dizzyingly excited. My rule of thumb – sometimes fear is interpreted as excitement! Sometimes with healthy relationships, things may feel slow and mellow. You go through as many as 10 dates before feeling a spark.
But with a narcissist relationship, be ready for a rollercoaster of emotions. Narcissists may get mad at you for not responding a text – a sign of their entitlement, the first red flag. However, you interpret it as jealousy, which people find hot these days. And somehow you find yourself falling for the narcissist.
They lovebomb you – make you feel amazing. You feel like you are on top of the world – until you don’t. A narcissist may suddenly stop being overly nice to you, and somehow you may start to feel that it’s all your fault, because after all, why would they stop being nice to you unless it was you that did something bad?
3. The fights are ugly
One thing I didn’t know – coming from childhood neglect, is that “fights” or arguments don’t have to be full of rage and fear and self-protection. As I grew older and had safer relationships, I learned how to safely speak up, with anger or fear. Here’s the thing – people do have disagreements; they do get hurt, and they do want to set boundaries. It’s just a normal part of life – you can’t get rid of it forever.
And that’s why it’s intense and full of fear when it comes to “fighting” with a narcissist. The disagreements can only be termed as ugly. They cannot and will not stand for anything below what they expect from you. If you try to stand up for yourself, you will get attacked ferociously. Any attempt at seeking an apology or setting boundaries will be met with hostility.
The narcissist will rain down on you manipulative and toxic attacks for having dared to impinge on their amazingness. How dare you imply that they are nothing less than perfect? Of course, this is because of their core belief that they are wholly unworthy and have no value in this world.
Therefore, if you end up in a relationship or almost relationship with a person that goes crazy during a fight, they are either really insecure and raised with neglect, or they are a narcissist. And that’s the thing with narcissists – their flaws add up bit by bit until you wake up one day and cannot believe that you ended up with a monster.
Red flags of narcissists are always to be taken seriously.
4. Living on high alert
Have you ever heard of the term “walking on eggshells”? There are certain people with whom we must act a certain way, or else we shall receive their utmost wrath. Such people have real issues with control. Such is a narcissist as well. They believe in “my way, or the highway.”
Narcissists are very emotional people. They believe that the world revolves around their emotions. Their beliefs are the only ones that matter. If you dare to go against them or fail to validate them (and they need an endless supply of validation,) then you are going to receive the force of their fury. Here’s the thing – people mess up. They make mistakes. But with a narcissist, good luck trying to ask for leniency. You’re going to be criticized, minimized, treated with passive aggressiveness, and silent treatment.
All these are examples of what is to come if you don’t escape the trap of a narcissist.***** When it comes to their emotions, feelings, and beliefs, a narcissist’s word is law.
5. Criticism
Here’s one thing about people with control – they are going to want you to bend to their version of what you should be like. And when you can’t fit into their ideals, you’re going to hear about it. Being criticized for everything you do is going to feel like crap. Narcissists cannot and will not keep their mouths shut when they can say something about how you are or what you do or even what you think; your opinions.
People want to be treated with acceptance. They don’t want to be criticized and brought down for every single thing that they do, without ever being praised. I’ve been in such situations and would not recommend it to anyone. As much as I’m learning that it’s up to me to validate myself, it does not feel good to be brought down at every turn.
6. Emotional and or physical abuse
It goes without saying that narcissists are capable of physical abuse. Mental or emotional abuse is also very rampant among narcissists. It goes without saying that healthy and safe relationships do not have any physical abuse or even the threat of any. If you are in such a relationship, it is vital that you leave. Love is not worth getting abused. And besides, that probably wouldn’t be true love. True love cannot be embodied when you are being abused! That’s probably codependency or some sort of Stockholm syndrome.
The people who deserve the most love are the ones who don’t know they need it. And they don’t know what love looks like because they may have never received it. But one thing I do know is that healthy and safe love does exist, and it is not found in narcissistic, manipulative, toxic, and abusive relationships.
Concluding Thoughts
A lot of people don’t know what healthy and safe love looks and feels like. And they are willing to accept a narcissistic relationship. However, some people have never witnessed an abusive relationship, and would never know what to look out for. But here’s the thing – a narcissist can con even the most emotionally stable and healthy person there is. That’s the tragedy associated with these manipulative individuals. They can get anyone in their trap. Hopefully you have learned how to tell the difference between a healthy vs narcissist relationship.
Narcissism E-Book, Guide to Dealing with A Narcissist In Your Life
I successfully defeated a narcissist in my life, and I continue to defeat one in my life every day. This e-book is a collection of posts and journal entries that I look back on to remind me that no matter what, I am worthy. I am deserving. If you need a guide to show you how to deal with that narcissist in your life, and are called to buy this book, click here.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.
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