Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
Narcissists are quite predictable in the sense that they have a particular set of tools that they use to manipulate and ensnare their victims. It has to be said that you don’t have to be a narcissist to be able to use these tools. They are used by people who are not narcissists, people who aren’t doing them on purpose, and people who ARE using them on purpose.
For example, the subreddit The Red Pill is full of people who use dark psychology, especially from books like Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power and others. These people actively seek to control and manipulate other’s feelings to achieve the perfect partner who will cater to their every need.
But that’s besides the point. In this article, I would like to explore some narcissistic brain washing techniques that are used to bait and catch – hook, line, and sinker, unsuspecting people (usually highly sensitive, empathic, and codependent personality types.)
What do narcissists need the most? What does a narcissist crave?
- Attention, validation, and praise
- A forgiving person
- People with no boundaries
8 Narcissism Tools used to Bully and Trap Victims
Narcissistic brain washing techniques, question your reality, narcissistic bullying tactics
1. Gaslighting
This is one of the greatest indicators that you are dealing with a narcissist. Gaslighting is a narcissist technique used to make you question your reality. And when you begin to question your reality, you lose faith and trust in yourself and your thinking. Gaslighting is a scenario where a narcissist straight up lies that you said or did something that you never did in the first place.
They can be calm or aggressive – but in essence, they just want you to doubt yourself. This might not seem like anything extreme. But when it comes to codependent personality types, you can really fall for that stuff. If you aren’t entirely sure of yourself or you tend to put others above you or your opinions, it’s easy for a narcissist to swoop in and make you mentally like an invalid who doubts themselves and believes that they cannot make their own decisions because they are a mental vegetable of sorts.
But don’t think that gaslighting can only be employed on codependents or people with low self esteem. Gaslighting can and does work on healthy people too. A narcissist shows up during a conversation and begins to insist that you did or did not do something, when what you remember is the opposite.
Gaslighting isn’t always to make you question your reality. It is also for purposes of “crazy making.” I don’t know about you, but if someone kept insisting that I did something I specifically did not do, I’m going to blow a fuse. The average person would, especially if you hit them where it hurts the most. A narcissist may claim that you are not supportive of them, yet in reality you do everythign you can to be accepting and supportive. They keep insisting it, and since this is a shadow or insecurity of yours, you explode.
In this way, you have played exactly into the narcissist’s trap. In this scenario, the narcissist was looking for narcissistic supply. They wanted to watch you go crazy. It’s entertainment for them. They want to watch you squirm and prove yourself to them.
2. Projection
Projection is another classic narcissist tool. Projection comes from low self esteem, from insecurity. It is a sort of small-minded way to identify with your shadows. When you find out something that you don’t like about yourself, the average person makes a decision to work on it. For example, I want to work on accepting other people’s boundaries with grace and acceptance.
But here’s what happens in a narcissist’s brain: When their shadow comes up, it scares them because they refuse to believe that they can live with flaws. They refuse to believe that they HAVE flaws. It scares them. And they assign a different meaning to their shortcomings. Projection is when a narcissist assigns their own flaws and insecurities to everyone around them. Because they don’t want to acknowledge that it’s coming from within them, they accuse everyone else of it.
It may not be easy to pinpoint if a narcissist is using projection on you, especially in the heat of a narcissistic argument. However, it may catch you off guard to hear a wild tale about something you are doing or thinking or that you believe – as told by the narcissist. Then, you might join the dots and realize that the narcissist is projecting.
3. Love bombing
Love bombing is another frequently used narcissistic tool. It’s the perfect power play and manipulation tool because it can work on anyone. It is a situation where a narcissist lavishes huge amounts of love, attention, energy, and gifts, with the hope of winning your love and approval.
Love bombing works because it plays with your brain chemistry. Here’s how: People want to feel good. When a narcissist gives you all the things you have ever expected out of a romantic partner (and they may have asked you what you look for in one) you begin to feel good. You like it. And maybe, you start to like them too.
Unfortunately for you, their elaborate plan has worked. Now that they have made you like them, it’s time for them to withdraw. This is part of the process. By withdrawing the love and attention, they cause insecurity. What have I done to lose their love? The victim begins to crave it. They want it more now. Maybe they blame themselves. What did I do wrong? What can I do to make them love me like they did?
Here’s the kicker – you will forever chase their love. It is always just out of reach. In a narcissistic relationship, expect to chase their love while offering your everything, to no avail. And this is how the narcissist now has a loyal victim. Always vying for love and attention. It’s pure psychology.
4. Word salad
Word salad is a narcissism tool that occurs when a narcissist wants to use you for their delectation and delight. They want to watch you squirm like a mouse under a spotlight. Word salad is when a narcissist strings together a sentence that makes absolutely no sense. It’s going no where, has no meaning, and makes you utterly bewildered. It jumps from one topic to another, never finishing either in its totality, because it’s meant to make your brain run around in circles.
Picture a salad: It has lettuce, tomatoes, croutons, chicken, and cheese, and everything is just jumbled up together. Imagine every sentence is one ingredient in the word salad. It has no end, no beginning, and seems to go on with no objective in mind.
An instance that word salad can be employed follows: You set a boundary with a narcissist. They can’t take it. You say you’re leaving. They ask you for one last conversation. You indulge them. They begin an unintelligible string of words that confuses you while giving the narcissist time to keep you occupied or to make you lose your marbles so they can attack you in that state. To shift the blame to you instead. See, you act so emotional, that’s why this relationship is failing! Ha!
Word salad can be used for a variety of reasons. To stall, for entertainment, for projection purposes, or to feel better about themselves, among others.
5. Circular conversations
Circular conversations are similar to the above narcissist tool of word salad. The conversation seems to go round and round without reaching an objective or compromise. Among healthy people, an argument is a way to reach a solution for a problem that has been going on. They may fight and air their thoughts out, but at the end of the day they want an apology, validation, or a way forward.
However, in a circular conversation, the verbal exchange does not have a conclusion. It goes on and on with no resolution in sight. A narcissist may use circular conversation to defend themselves when they are wrong. They aren’t really saying anything, but they are engaging in conversation with you and they will hope that it’s enough for you to forgive them and stay.
You may also be talking about something that interests you and enjoying talking about your hobbies, achievements, or your career, but the narcissist yawns and turns the attention back to them. You give them time to talk and listen politely, but they don’t seem to be actually contributing to the conversation.
6. Ad hominem arguments
This is a type of fallacious argument style used by a narcissist. It is where you bring up something with the narcissist, but they begin some sort of argument and start attacking your personality, attributes, beliefs, or something that has nothing to do with what you began the conversation for.
Imagine that you confront a narcissist about cheating. However, they get triggered and begin to try to derail your point of view. They start attacking your attributes instead. They talk about the one time you didn’t show them love or support. All the years you invested in them mean nothing because of that one time when you didn’t stand up for them.
These types of arguments are a common narcissist tool. They never want to talk responsibility for their actions. A simple conversation about expressing your needs turns into an attack on your personhood. These are the types of narcissist tools that are used on the victim to lower their sense of value and worth.
7. Minimizing
Minimizing is something most of us have faced in our lives. It’s when we excitedly share our achievements and accomplishments, or anything that excites us, but the other person dismisses you and yawns. They always put you down or try to one-up you. Nothing you ever do will impress them in any way. You are always dismissed or shut down. Minimizing usually serves as a major blow to your self esteem.
In normal healthy relationships, the people you talk to are accepting and supportive. They listen to you and congratulate you. You feel seen and loved. However, a narcissist does not want you to feel inferior or suddenly better than them (even though you are simply sharing your joy.) They feel insecure because they used manipulation to get you in their lives, and not by being authentic and allowing you to decide whether you genuinely like them or not.
8. Induced conversations
One of the narcissist’s most dangerous tools is the induced conversation. Listen, sometimes we just don’t want to talk. But for a narcissist to get their daily dose of narcissistic supply, they need to get you to talk. A narcissist’s number one tool to get to you is the induced conversation. “Can we have one last conversation?”
They want to hold on to you by any means necessary, especially if they know that you are moving on and getting over their behavior and attitude. Narcissists will ask for your opinion, only to bash your views on a topic. They will use your bad arguments for the rest of your life. They will never let you live down your mistakes.
Narcissists employ induced conversation to know what it’s like in your head. They want to gather information about you. Remember, anything you tell a narcissist will be used against you as ammunition. They can twist whatever you say into something bad and use it to target you in the future. They will never let you live down certain things you said or did, even though we as humans are always growing and are allowed to change.
Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
What tactics does a narcissist use?
We have talked about 8 narcissist tools above. But those are subtle and hard for the average person to decode. If confronted, the narcissist may deny adamantly that they are involved in psychologically manipulating their victims. However, here are some red flags of narcissists to watch out for.
1. Lying
Narcissists also tend to be pathological liars. And while they may lie constantly about smaller things, they also lie about big things. They lie to you, even when you know the truth. Let’s be honest, adults don’t need to lie about many things. Sure, you leave out details or you divert attention so you don’t have to answer questions, but you don’t straight out LIE. If you are talking to someone and notice them lying through their teeth, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
2. Gifts
Gifts are an innocent way to show someone that you care about them. However, narcissists have learned to offer gifts in exchange for love, company, and attention. They may learn that certain people like empaths and codependents feel awkward receiving gifts and may want to repay the gift, and thereby they enter the narcissist’s trap.
3. Violence
One of the easiest ways to spot a narcissist is by their threats of violence, or their actual violence. Most people are cool with boundaries. But narcissists get real angry and abusive when you say no. They may become verbally abusive, for example, calling you expletives, slamming your character, or calling your family or friends names. Or, the narcissist may physically abuse you. There is no proper justification for physical violence. If you are being abused, chances are that you are dealing with a narcissist.
Conclusion
If you want to know whether or not you are dealing with a narcissist, then these 8 tools used by narcissists will illuminate you. We have explored certain tactics used by narcissists, such as love bombing, gaslighting, and word salad. It’s important to learn and recognize these behaviors. They may be subtle and fly under the radar for certain people. If you have low self esteem or low self worth, you may not believe that you are worthy of safe love, and you may unwittingly fall for a narcissist’s trap.
Narcissism E-Book, Guide to Dealing with A Narcissist In Your Life
I successfully defeated a narcissist in my life, and I continue to defeat one in my life every day. This e-book is a collection of posts and journal entries that I look back on to remind me that no matter what, I am worthy. I am deserving. If you need a guide to show you how to deal with that narcissist in your life, and are called to buy this book, click here.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.
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