I don’t even want to type this for fear that I’m going to attract more of it. But today, I feel ugly. It’s actually a bit crazy because I’ve been on a great spell of self love and being grateful for how I look. Suddenly I feel like I don’t look good.
I’ve just been moisturizing my body with a nice-smelling lotion in a feeble attempt at self love.
I don’t really know where this feeling stems from. I just keep looking in the mirror and wishing that I looked prettier. I just don’t like my face today. I usually kind of enjoy my face. Today I just keep looking at it and noticing all the flaws and the parts of me that I wish were better, or prettier.
Since I’m on this whole journey of self growth and improvement, I do my best to work through emotions and feelings that have no importance to me. I’m positive in the fact that I will soon find a mindset shift that will enable me to stop feeling discouraged and ugly.
Being on this self growth journey has made me come into this new kind of person that I’m really liking. I have way more confidence than I had two years ago. I think the people around me are starting to notice it. People talk to me more as opposed to when I looked like a moody stuck up person. I wasn’t though. I just have really bad social anxiety. It makes me hard to say hi to people or even look at people.
One thing that helps me is owning certain aspects of myself. I get that I don’t get around a lot and people probably judge me for that. I don’t go out of my comfort zone. I have my controlling parents to thank for that.
When I figured that people think of me a certain way, it freed me. I feel like I don’t have to obey any societal standards. I do what I want to. These days I find it easier to look at people and maintain eye contact. I love this new feature that I’ve unlocked. It makes me feel so confident.
I wish that I could translate this idea of owning myself to help me to stop feeling ugly. I could own my body and face. I could accept that I’m ugly and move on with my life instead of wishing I was pretty.
In fact, I should stop being so shallow. Who I am as a person is not limited to my looks. And anyway who is benefiting from my aesthetic pleasantness? I am more than my face. I am my intellect, my strength, my kindness, compassion, the things I love, the way I talk, and the way I behave when I don’t have social anxiety ruling over my every action.
Now that I think about it, I realize that the people who I truly love and cherish don’t look like supermodels either. And yet they mean so much to me and are more beautiful than anything I want to look like. The depth of love, passion and care that I have for these people transcends any physical planes. In fact, this says more about me than it says about them.
The people who will turn out to be your soul mates will find you no matter what you look like. And to them, you will be the most beautiful creature to ever be on this earth. They will love and cherish you BECAUSE of what you look like, and in spite of it. Love and connection are wonderful things and they go beyond any physical features.
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From now on, this is what I will do whenever I feel inadequate: At the first glimpse of feeling ugly, I’ll read the emotions. Why am I feeling this way? Is there any specific trigger for these feelings? Then, I’ll rationalize. There is no need to believe my emotions. After all, it’s not actually true that I’m ugly.
Finally: I am not my appearance. There are far more deep and meaningful attributes that I have which are far more important and beneficial that just my physical appearance.
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