How to Stop an Argument with a Narcissist

Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.

Stopping an argument is never easy. You know how it goes. Trying to bring to light something you wish or hope that they can change, but instead it turns into a fight about you and your incompetence. Narcissists affect even the best of us. They break us down. So how do you deal with a narcissist? How to beat a narcissist argument?

In this article, we shall take a look at the tactics of a narcissist (How do narcissists argue?) and how to stop an argument with a narcissist. So strap yourselves in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Hopefully, by the end of the article, you will know how to hit the narcissist’s weak points.

Do narcissists like to argue?

Before we get into the nitty gritty, I’d like to answer an important question: Do narcissists like to argue? Do narcissists like conflict?

Yes. Narcissists get a perverse pleasure from raising their voices and slamming down on their victims. They get joy and satisfaction, or as some may call it, “narcissistic supply.”

A narcissist lives for arguments. How else would they assert their superiority over others? I recently read a book called The Courage to Be Disliked, and in that book, the author talks about “horizontal relationships.” These are relationships you create with people where you treat each other like equals. You may not be the “same” but you are “equal.”

On the other hand, there are “vertical relationships.” These are relationships where one person clearly treats the other as inferior. And as I’m reading the book, I’m like, good luck convincing a narcissist to have a decent horizontal relationship.

Here are some ways narcissists assert their superiority:

• Undermining someone and their opinions or actions
• Cloaked praise like praising an infant for something easy
• Arguing (of course)
• Expecting one to anticipate their needs
• Refusing to acknowledge their flaws

Now that we have got that out of the way, let’s look at the things narcissists say in an argument

Types of Narcissist Arguments

Word Salad

Word salad is a popular narcissistic toxic argument tactic. If you have ever been a victim of narcissistic word salad, then you know how it goes. The crazy making. The audacity. The look of glee or nonchalance on their faces…

Word salad is where a narcissist speaks in a way that is not rational and makes absolutely no sense. You stand by in shock and horror, in disbelief. They sound so stupid but they’re acting like they are perfectly rational.

Each sentence in the narcissistic argument makes sense on its own… but when you look at it from the perspective of the big picture… It’s absolute madness.

You don’t know what they are talking about. But then some how you’re going to get turned into the crazy one. It’s fascinating how one person can make you question your truth just by being so calm in their lie. Narcissists break you down so much that you begin to question yourself and your reality. And that’s where they get you. When the doubt creeps in… the narcissist is winning.

Example of narcissist word salad:

Victim: Hey, can you take the trash out next time? You forgot to last night.

Narcissist: No, you’re right. You don’t actually do anything for me. You never defend me. This isn’t about me. You never say anything nice about me to your friends. One day I asked for a cup of tea and you didn’t get it for me. That’s what I’m saying. You never defend me to others.

Makes no sense, right? Yeah, that’s because that’s what it’s supposed to do. Scramble your brains and make you wonder how the conversation hit this point.

You might not feel crazy from the word salad example above, but the narcissist knows just how to get away with being a crappy person. The vibes, the tone, and the accusations during a narcissistic argument are just right enough to get you to feel like you’re losing your mind.

Just hang on tight to your truth. Because the reality is, the only thing that’s true in your world are your feelings. Always trust them. You can never fabricate feelings. If someone is making you feel like utter crap, then maybe you need to stay away from them.

Gaslighting

Another type of narcissistic argument is the classic, the impossible, the madness – Gas lighting. Gas lighting is a sheer, outright LIE. A pure, unadulterated LIE that you know is a LIE but the narcissist is staunch in their LIE. They don’t let go. They’re like a hyena biting down with a force so strong, it doesn’t let go of the rotting carcass it stole from the lions.

You KNOW the truth. You KNOW the reality. The true, objective reality. But the narcissist is telling you no. We didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. We didn’t have that conversation.

You know what it’s like. The vibes, the tone, the way they make you feel like you’re a big dummy. A fool. So stupid – how could you even begin to say something that isn’t true. LOL.

And you’re left wondering, what the hell just happened? Are you telling me you know what I SAW? What I HEARD? With my own two eyes and ears?

Example of a narcissistic gaslighting:

Victim: Hey I actually saw you at the mall the other day talking to this guy.

Narcissist: You know, you really need prescription glasses because I wasn’t there. You didn’t see me. You’re always saying crap like this and I think we need to get you checked out. Maybe you have schizophrenia and you’re seeing things. I actually do know someone like that. Always seeing people in places they could never be.

Always have faith in yourself and what you saw. Don’t let them get to you. They want to get a reaction out of you. It’s a horrible place to be – a relationship with a narcissist. The words they say manipulate your reality. You start to doubt yourself. See, that’s the thing. The self-doubt. You need to quash it.

Cultivate faith in yourself. Trust your brain. Don’t listen to anyone telling you that your reality is a lie. You can start with trusting yourself with small exercises. Set personal goals and achieve them. Celebrate your wins. And never, I repeat, never, doubt yourself.

Strawman Argument

Narcissists LOVE using strawmen arguments. This is a tool for gaining an upper hand in the argument where one latches on to one part of the other person’s sentence, runs with it, blows it out of proportion, leads away from the original topic, and confuses the ever-loving crap out of you.

This type of arguing is also called “Arguing in bad faith.” It’s when the narcissist doesn’t care about what you’re saying. They just want to tear you down to take the spotlight off their own failings.

It’s the perfect way to derail the heart of the matter. Narcissists can’t stand being the bad guy. They need to be the perfect one. If you bring something up with them, and they don’t like it, they will make sure they have the last and final say in it.

It feels like an attack on their entire being. A small thing can set them off and they will blow up in your face. Reasoning with a narcissist is impossible. Arguments to narcissists? Bread and butter. They love that stuff. Live for it.

Example of narcissist toxic strawman argument:

Victim: Hey I actually saw you at the mall the other day talking to this guy.

Narcissist: Oh what? Now I can’t even leave the house? You’re so insecure that you think I just need to stay inside all day and rot. Do you even know that Vitamin D is so important? You want me to get sick. You have always been like this. Wow. I can’t believe you right now. You don’t want me to be healthy.

See what I did there? Completely derailed the conversation by calling into question your entire character. The thing is, you think you are going to be calm in such a situation, but somehow it feels so horrible and you want to stand up for yourself. But that doesn’t work. You need to be calm and refute everything they are saying. I would advise that one shouldn’t even defend themselves. Just stand there or just leave.

Another example of arguing in bad faith is scrutinizing something like the tone you are taking while talking to them.

Why are you yelling? You’re so childish right now. You don’t have to make this a big thing, you know?

Other Toxic Narcissists Argument Types

There are so many ways a narcissist makes you feel like crap. These are perfect examples of Narcissistic bullying tactics, manipulation and evil tactics to break a person’s soul. I bet there is a book out there, the likes of Robert Greene’s The Art of Seduction, where someone teaches ways to break a spirit down. Here are some other ways a narcissist argues:

• Belittling
• Fear mongering
• Lying
• Denying
• Provoking
• Bullying
• Snide remarks

How to Stop an Argument with a Narcissist

Let’s say you are arguing with a narcissist boyfriend. How do you stop the “argument?” You raised an important and valid concern about the relationship – but now you are defending yourself about how “you never defend me…” Classic diversion tactic. Gosh.

How did a simple confrontation turn into a narcissistic argument? Well, that’s just how a narcissist works. They can never accept that they are flawed. To them, they can never make a mistake. THEY are right. THEIR opinion is right. So if you bring something up, well, good luck.

If you are searching “how to stop an argument with a narcissist,” then I have to say, you are doing better than 90% of narcissist victims out there. People out there are FIGHTING for their lives. DEFENDING themselves. But you? You’re on the right path. You want to STOP the argument. And for that comrade, I salute you.

There is no way to “win” an argument with a narcissist. They will ALWAYS come out the victor. I don’t know how it works. Actually – I do. They are so self-obsessed and conceited – they can never imagine themselves to be anything BUT the victor.

Have you come across a person who just KNEW they were better than you? Saying the most utter rubbish but they said it with such confidence that you believed it yourself? That’s a narcissist. Even when they “lose,” it’s like they’ve won.

The only way you win an argument with a narcissist is if you leave the argument with peace and calm in your heart because you did not rise to the narcissist’s bait. When it comes to narcissists, you just have GOT to keep calm and save your emotional and mental health. That said, here are 6 ways to stop an argument with a narcissist.

Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.

7 Ways to Beat a Narcissist in an Argument

Without any further ado, here are some things to consider when arguing with a narcissist.

Know your value

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, I implore you, right now, please go work on your self-worth or self-value. You are a worthy human being. You are equal to everyone. You deserve the best of the best in this world.

It took me a long time to understand my worth as a human being. But I can tell you one thing that helped: Learning what felt good to me. I found some activities that made me feel good, mentally and physically. I learned that I need to feel good in my life.

Somehow from there, I realized that I am worthy of feeling good in my life. I found an activity that I shared only with myself – something apart from any narcissists in my life – that could make me feel like a worthy human for once in my life.

I recommend having a private activity for yourself that you never share with others, so it can be your own little secret.

For me, that activity came to be yoga. It could look like something else for you. Something that makes you feel accomplished. Here are some examples:

• Walking
• Working out
• Knitting
• Crochet
• Learning a new language
• Journaling or art journaling
• Gardening
• Reading

Do this activity with the intention and consciousness that it is here to save your life. The intention truly does matter.

Once you know your value, you will never have to defend yourself in front of anyone, ever.

Here are some of my old journal entries that may help you with finding your worth when arguing with a narcissist.

How someone treats you is never a reflection of who you are, but of who they are.

You have to be so emotionally self-sufficient that no one can affect your inner peace.

Be careful of the narratives you tell yourself. Tell yourself you suck – and you don’t – and you’re going to do more things to prove you suck.

You’re a pretty bad judge of who you are.

There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s just something wrong with the way you see yourself.

Everyone has flaws, some people just don’t advertise them or identify heavily with them.

You are enough even though you are not your ideal self yet.

You hate some people, and that’s okay.

Sometimes it helps to just… not think at all.

Re-think your understanding of success.

Do not engage

After learning your worth, it will be easier to stop an argument with a narcissist. Because you JUST DON’T CARE!!! I literally don’t care about anything. I don’t care how anyone perceives me. Why should I? All I care about is how good I feel. I’m good when I have no intrusive thoughts telling me how inferior I am and how I should defend myself.

Now why would I engage in a narcissistic argument? I have absolutely NOTHING to prove. I am self-sufficient. I know how to self-soothe. I have learned to talk to myself with courage and acceptance. Courage to wait for better times. Acceptance that I am enough as I am.

Do not defend, fight back, and try to set things right. ACT LIKE YOU DON’T CARE. Because you don’t. I’m honestly above reacting to anyone, let alone a narcissist. I finally have my own life. I stopped listening to everyone in my life who told me I ain’t sh*t. Trust me, no one deserves to go through life thinking they are the ugly, disgusting, smelly, or whatever nonsense people have said to me.

I don’t care. I don’t care that you are LYING TO MY FACE. I will hit you with a nonchalant, “Oh, really?” and MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I’m not here to FIX THE WAY PEOPLE THINK. If you think I’m inferior to you, THEN THAT’S YOUR OWN PROBLEM.

 I’m not saying don’t confront a narcissist for treating you like shit – I’m saying don’t teach a narcissist how you think they should think. Does that make sense?

Here are some phrases to use in an argument with a narcissist – while not engaging in the fight:

“Really?”

“Really? Wow. Okay.”

“Huh.”

“Wow, that’s cool.”

“That’s interesting actually.”

“Wow, for real?”

“Damn, that sucks.”

Remember to act and sound nonchalant or disinterested. Don’t defend yourself in a raised voiced while teetering on the edge of madness. You can also try raising your eyebrows to convey disinterested interest.

PS: Don’t forget to grab my (Amazon) e-book on narcissism from HERE.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.

Keep cool

Learn to keep your cool in an argument with a narcissist. I don’t care how you do it – just learn to postpone your rage. One thing I’ve learnt – emotions don’t have to control you.

Emotions are thought to be a compass of sorts, something that tells you that you are hurt, or angry, or sad.

But the thing is, you are not your emotions.

What are emotions anyway? Emotions, or feelings, are chemicals (hormones) released by your brain when it is triggered by an event that takes you back to your childhood and the earliest memories you have of feeling that feeling.

That said, can you really trust your emotions? The brain releases adrenaline to help you deal with potential enemies. Your heart races, blood rushes to your head – you’re ready to react!!!

Remember that it takes about 45 seconds for blood to circulate around the entire body. take a few deep breaths and wait for that hormone to flush out of your body. Don’t hold on to it. Let it go.

I always ask myself, “Do I want to feel angry?”

Anger is exhausting. It gives you a lot of energy and heat in the body. And I don’t want to be angry. I’ve been an angry person. Someone with a short fuse. But I realized that I don’t have to get angry. I can choose not to.

While you’re valid in your emotions, the question to ask is, are those emotions based on a true story? We come up with narratives and stories based on an event. But you may not be perceiving the truth. And that means your emotions are just misleading you. So… can you really trust your emotions?

Watch this video below, one of my favorite videos to watch on how to change your emotions.

Keeping cool is one of the best ways to win an argument. Any argument. I remember a guy who told me he could win any argument by riling the other person up while appearing calm and collected. To everyone, it seemed the calm one was the victor.

Prevention is better than cure – meditation, journaling, yoga

It’s hard enough dealing with toxic argument tactics in the moment. That is why you need a strategy or system in place to foresee and deal with narcissist arguments appropriately. I don’t want you to think I am peddling woo-woo new age stuff – but you need to find a way to blow off mental steam BEFORE an argument with a narcissist.

I’m talking meditation, journaling, and maybe even yoga. Mindfulness, intention, and breathing exercises. If you are dealing with a narcissist in your life, I promise you, you’re going to need this stuff.

I have a theory that you must maintain and cultivate your mind just like you do your body. your body need food and movement. And your mind needs the same.

Meditation is NOT some new age nonsense. It is a scientifically proven method to cope. It’s used in therapy for mental health. It is an effective coping technique. One of the best ways to meditate when dealing with a narcissist is to imagine their arguments, and to feel whatever you have to feel BEFORE you have to feel it in real life.

When you let yourself feel that panic and rage in a safe and controlled environment, you are planning for a peaceful and calm argument with a narcissist.

There are other ways to mediate, of course. You can close your eyes, focus on your breath and try not to think of anything. Or you can go on youtube and listen to a guided meditation like the one below.

These meditations help you to clear your mind and be prepared for toxic narcissistic arguments. Not to mention – meditation can help you to find yourself. Who you are. How you think. It’s pretty cool.

Mindfulness is another technique you can use to stay in the present moment. Avoid thinking about the future and the past and focus on the present. Go through each activity of your day by focusing on what you are doing at that moment – not your anxieties.

Mindfulness gives me a break from thinking. Why make up random scenarios of the future in your head when they may not even happen? Give yourself a break by practicing mindfulness.

Another way to cope with a narcissist and their arguments is by practicing gratitude. Gratitude helps you to see the good in your life. We always focus on the worst, leaving no time to appreciate the good stuff. Take some out, identify the things you’ve got going for you in life.

Maintain surface level relationships

If you are anything like me, you’re someone who works in extremes. You BLAB to anyone that has ears to hear. You craft your responses perfectly to keep the other person entertained. You anticipate their needs. You’re basically living on other people’s terms. What a life.

Of course, before, I would have called myself an empath, but I try not to identify with that term anymore. I know we say that empaths and emotionally sensitive people “attract” narcissists, but I’m sorry – I just can’t and won’t identify as an empath anymore.

I have learned to avoid blabbing and telling people my whole life story. I now maintain surface-level relationships. I am polite and have pre-thought out responses for most conversations. I don’t divulge personal details to just anyone.

Maintaining superficial relationships means that I am not vulnerable and intimate with everyone I talk to. This brings me to my next point…

Avoid being vulnerable

The only person who deserves to know the real me is me. It feels good keeping things to myself. Before, I used to SAY EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. I now know that that’s not healthy. I hold intimacy with myself. Not everyone deserves access to me.

You may be thinking, what does this have to do with beating my narcissist boyfriend in an argument? Well, when you stop being vulnerable with others, they have nothing to bring up against you in an argument!

It may seem sad and pitiful that I don’t share vulnerability with my loved ones and my close friends, but there needs to be a level of intimacy you share with yourself. Something that gives you the power to function when someone leaves you.

I know I will be fine on my own because I choose to be less vulnerable than I used to be. I reclaimed my power.

Make a REAL friend

My final advice in this matter is to make some friends. Narcissists like to isolate their victims. And I assure you, if you don’t have a REAL friend whom you can talk to about ANYTHING in life, then the chances of a narcissist coming into your life is HIGH.

I’m talking about a friend who gives you UNCONDITIONAL support. I never knew how that felt for all my life. All I knew was being undermined and ridiculed. But when I got a supportive friend who always made me feel like I was good enough, I started to question the beliefs I had about myself.

Make friends. And don’t let a narcissist isolate you. Narcissists honestly don’t even make you feel good. They hook and bait you with love bombing – making you feel agony from the intense roller coaster of emotions. That is not the way to live!

Look for a friend. Trust me, there are a lot of people out there, and I promise you, there is at least one person who is going to accept you the way you are. A person who will support you even when you think you’re hopeless.

When you understand unconditional support, you will never settle for a narcissist’s breadcrumbs. Because that temporary rush, that manipulation? Is not worth it to you. You will begin to acknowledge true support, acceptance, and love.

Human beings are not made to be hurt and ridiculed and called names.

Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.

Final Notes

Thank you for making it to the end of this long article! I hope I have helped you with trying to stop an argument with a narcissist. We looked at some of the toxic narcissist arguments, how narcissists love conflict, and how to beat a narcissist in an argument.

Remember that you have so much worth. You deserve to be alive and witness happiness, joy, and contentment. No one should have to ruin your peace of mind. When you rely on yourself for all of that, then beating a narcissist should be as easy as eating pie.

Something is going to have to change if you want to win the argument this time. You have to change your mindset. You have prime yourself for success. You have to be willing to have the courage to expect strength from yourself.

Narcissism E-Book, Guide to Dealing with A Narcissist In Your Life

I successfully defeated a narcissist in my life, and I continue to defeat one in my life every day. This e-book is a collection of posts and journal entries that I look back on to remind me that no matter what, I am worthy. I am deserving. If you need a guide to show you how to deal with that narcissist in your life, and are called to buy this book, click here.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.