Is setting boundaries hard for you? I know, SAME. This post is a reflection of my anger towards how it is such a task for me to not be an empath, people pleaser and doormat. Keep reading for my 17 hot and evil techniques for reclaiming your power.
Unethical Guide to Setting Boundaries for doormats, people pleasers and butt-kissers: ALSO KNOWN AS codependents and empaths.
PS: I wrote this post at a time when I was really hurt. However, it does have some gems that are necessary for empaths to understand.
I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m positively raging. I’m so mad right now. Why is it so hard for me to just be emotionally stable and have boundaries? I’m not asking for much—just the strength to put myself first when it matters.
I’m at my utmost limit. That’s why I’m writing this unethical guide for setting boundaries. Right now, I’m willing to do whatever works. I don’t care if it goes against my personal code of ethics. If it works, I’m going to give it a shot. Also, I know this is not effective for the long run because hey, who wants to live life feeling hate, anger and vengeance inside all the time?
I also acknowledge that a lot of the things I am considering as ‘unethical’ are just firm boundaries. I suck so bad at not-people pleasing that whenever I put myself first, I feel really uncomfortable and dare I say, evil.
Let’s not beat around the bush and get straight into the unethical guide to setting boundaries for doormats, people pleasers and butt-kissers.
Unethical Guide to Setting Boundaries for codependents and empaths
These are my 17 highly unethical techniques for setting boundaries. Suck it up, buttercup! We are not here for the bed of roses approach.
1 . Don’t take anyone/anything seriously
When you don’t take yourself seriously, you’re going to take other people or other things seriously. Something always has to fill that empty void. By taking others seriously, you put all your energy into discerning their every action and word towards you. You get upset when they don’t reply you immediately. (They could just be showering.) You feel hurt when you are left out of things. (It might have not even been that deep.) I’m starting a mindset of not taking anyone seriously. Not taking anything personally. Just coasting along in this ocean that is life.
2 . Refuse to help when asked for help
I know this sounds sinister, but hear me out. Codependents and empaths such as myself are physically incapable of saying no. They always will blurt out, ‘yes’ when asked for help. Even when they can’t possibly do what has been asked. Emotionally well-adjusted people will easily put themselves first and explain why they can’t help.
The solution to this problem is to practice being mean. Say you don’t have the extra pen when you do. Say you don’t have the money even if you do. Mindfully and consciously be aware of people’s requests. Turn them down. Shake your head. You know how people get over their phobia of snakes, by hanging out with them? This is the same principle.
3 . Hold past grudges
Codependents tend to let things slide. That just teaches people to step on you all over again. Because you made it okay. You didn’t confront them about their bad behavior. This leads to being used over and over again. The solution here is to not forget people’s actions. You know what they say, ‘Forgive but don’t forget.’ Holding grudges means validating your anger. Allowing your emotions to feel heard and not stuffing them down in order to cater to others.
4 . Hold your ground during arguments and defending yourself
To people pleasers and butt-kissers, defending themselves is extremely daunting. They feel like it’s an evil thing to do to the other person. They pretend they don’t defend themselves because they are trying to be the bigger person, but that’s not true. They do it because they don’t want people to be uncomfortable on their expense. The solution? Make people uncomfortable! Don’t be afraid to take up space in this world. That space is rightfully yours to begin with. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Even if you feel like you aren’t right.
5 . Don’t take accountability for your mistakes
Every time I make a mistake, I make sure everyone knows about it. I’ll make it known to my whole family and my friends. They didn’t even have to know, but I made the information public domain. The worst part? I don’t make my accomplishments known, only my mistakes! This makes people view me as the person who always messes things up. That is literally what people see when they look at me. That’s people I lower myself to the level of accounting for my ‘mistakes’ all the time. Thing is, most of the time, these mistakes aren’t even mistakes. They are just stuff I did that I feel were wrong.
6 . Don’t accept help or favors when you don’t need it
Sometimes when you don’t need something from someone but you accept it anyway, it just might come back and bite you in the butt. You’ll be indebted to the person. You might have to keep paying them back. Some people are evil and will hold it over your head forever. Therefore, if you can do something yourself, go ahead. Don’t rely on other people.
7 . Be evil on purpose (Don’t say hi, don’t offer help, do the opposite of what you usually do)
Being seen as evil is the bane of my existence. This is true for most butt-kissers and people pleasers out there. Remember the phobia of snakes analogy I used? We are doing it again. Go out of your way to be mean to others. Trust the process, because it’s practice for setting boundaries. Don’t say hi to strangers on the elevator like you always do. Don’t offer help. Basically, do the opposite of what you always do. Restrict access to your giving cup. After all, sometimes you need that cup to refill. You can’t give where you have none.
8 . Use your hurt to toughen your skin
The harsh reality is that people like me and you are going to get hurt in life. And most of the time, we hurt ourselves but giving too much, expecting too much, and taking everything personally. I say this a lot. Most of the times that I get mad, I’m usually mad at myself. I’m mad at myself for having these high opinions of others, and then they let me down. Use this hurt to strengthen your skin. Channel the anger into lessons learnt. Bathe in your anguish and remember never to be treated less-than again.
9 . Learn to go within for validation. The snarky negative voice inside you is the opinion of others. Be kind to yourself
A lot of us aren’t aware of the fact that the human brain is perfectly capable of providing validation from within. We are also capable of dealing with negative thoughts solely on our own. This needs some good coping mechanisms in place. However, codependent personality types are always seeking validation of their worth from others. Understand that it is indeed possible to get validation from internal sources, and not external. Be kind to yourself. Combat negative thoughts with positive ones. That snarky negative voice inside you is the opinion of others. The human race was designed to be mentally resilient. Being positive is the normal way the brain works. Negative thoughts are meant to be banished.
10 . Don’t expect a lot of from others
Stop waiting for the day prince charming is going to walk into your life and buy you the flowers you always wanted. Stop waiting for your family to wake up and start treating you special. I’ve come to realize that the only person who can treat you special is your own damn self. Go out and buy those flowers you always wanted. Treat yourself right. Fix your diet and start exercising. Buy yourself supplements. Take care of yourself. Stop expecting these things from people. No one is really thinking about brightening your day.
Related posts to help you in setting boundaries:
- 5 Crucial Life Skills for Empaths and Codependents
- How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist
- What does it Mean to Have Self Confidence?
- 16 Quick ways to boost confidence
11 . Stop thinking of people as special. Give up on them
You think of others as these awesome, angelic, amazing people. You don’t think of yourself that way though. There is no need to treat others as royalty. They are only human like you. Sometimes it’s important to level with yourself and understand that everyone else is just struggling through life like you are. They are just lowly human beings like the rest of us. This can help you to stop taking everything personally. People suck and will let you down when they can.
12 . Work hard on something. Give it your all and be proud of it. Absolute conviction
One of the ways to shift your energy and attention from people pleasing is to work on personal projects. Getting creative is one way to channel all that energy that goes to other people. Writing, painting, drawing, knitting, crocheting and gardening are all ways to direct your energy to something that matters to you. Be proud of yourself. Focus on tasks with absolute conviction. Let it consume you.
13 . Stop any negative talk. You are your number #1 ally.
Negative talk has to be left behind. It should be prohibited in your inner sanctuary. Negativity needs some good coping mechanisms. Set them out for when you need them. It could be watching a feel good movie, calling someone, going out to cafes, cooking for yourself, eating some fruit, you get the idea. Stop betraying the essence of your being by hating on yourself. It belies the purpose of survival. It stops you from caring for yourself.
14 . Don’t give energy where you aren’t getting any. That means no texting first
I had to learn this the hard way. When I wasn’t getting the kind of energy I as giving out to people, I started feeling a deep kind of pain in my soul. One night I was crying so hard, just wondering why it hurt. All of a sudden, I wiped my tears and decided: I’m not giving any energy that I didn’t receive. This has actually worked wonders for me. I channel all this energy I used to give others into myself. I don’t text anyone who doesn’t check up on me. I’m not an in-home nurse for anyone. I’m not paid to ask about their moods and fix their problems. Redirect all that giving into receiving.
15 . Send short and dead replies.
Changing how you text will stop you from showing any enthusiasm and people pleasing vibes. That means no one will take you for granted or abuse your kindness and impressionability. A lot of the times, our people pleasing is over text messaging. We fawn over others. We ask about their day. We set plans with them. We make them feel like they are celebrities. This causes them to treat us like fans. Celebrities don’t really go around frolicking with fans. Fans are crazy. Fanatical. They are always up in celebrity business.
16 . Start putting others down in order to feel better about yourself
Look, a lot of us have only love in our hearts. Some of us get fed up of loving on others too much. These dark times are when it’s okay to put others down in order to feel better about yourself. It’s definitely illogical to think of others as perfect. In fact, a lot of the times you’re putting others down, you’re just realizing their flaws more! Ah, I should have known the people pleaser in me would never think anything ill of others! I don’t know why I never see others as imperfect yet it’s all I think of myself. The life of a people pleaser, I tell you.
17 . Don’t give compliments. Keep them to yourself.
People pleasers, door mats and codependents. They have something in common. They give too much. What are they giving you ask? Love. They give too much love. Here’s the thing. Human beings ARE love. They HAVE love. A lot of that love is meant for the self. Loving yourself. Doting on yourself. Cheering yourself on. Being proud of yourself. Thinking of yourself as SOMETHING. Being kind to yourself and chasing away the negativity.
The moment you don’t give yourself love, there’s a surplus of love for others. You’re going to be shoveling love into other people while you remain devoid of it yourself. It’s time to refill your giving cup. That means staying with your love. Cutting back on the help you give to others. Cutting back on the compliments you give others.
Set the boundaries however you can!
Set the intention to create some boundaries. It’s possible that you will lose a lot of people, but that’s okay. Now, you will be living life the right way. All the right opportunities will come to you. Transferring time and energy back to yourself will fulfill you in ways that you could have never guessed. When you serve the self, you only get back what benefits you.
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