How to Set Boundaries & Learn to say NO

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You know you need to learn how to set boundaries and learn to say NO when things are getting a bit too much. Our minds have a way of communicating with us that something is wrong. We are giving too much, or we’re being taken advantage of.

Chances are, you’re here because you know that you are badly in need of knowledge on how to set boundaries and to learn to say no. You know you are that person that is too nice and always helps out.

And it’s starting to bother you a bit. Or a lot. I know that’s how I felt before I learned that I needed to create boundaries and sustain them.

Setting boundaries is not always a one-time thing. New boundaries have to be created all the time.

So, how do you begin setting boundaries? What even is a boundary? How does setting boundaries help? What does saying no have to do with setting boundaries?

You’re going to find answers to your most pressing questions in this post.

Let’s dive into how to set boundaries and learn to say no.

Also Read from here: How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist

Why is it so hard to say NO?

Here’s something I read recently: Saying NO to someone means saying yes to yourself.

The biggest reason why it is hard to say no is because of your personality and character. I’ll explain more. You are someone who is:

Nice
Gives too much
Wants to people please
Doesn’t want to hurt others
Needs validation from others
Is afraid of losing people

In fact, this is a small list. I’m sure there are so many reasons why someone would find it hard to no.

It’s hard for you to say no because you don’t want to disappoint others. This is actually rooted in a sense of low self-esteem. The sad reality is that most of us don’t love ourselves. We don’t think of ourselves as important.

I’ve been reading The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz and in the book the author talks about learning to see yourself as important. That struck me because I never really think of myself as important. Sure, I try to strive for self-esteem and viewing myself as a priority, but I have to start thinking of myself as important, too.

Also Read from here: How to Love Yourself First

We are too nice. We are afraid to tell others NO. We don’t want them to think of us as evil or bad to them. We don’t want others to think of us as selfish. However, being too nice is just a way for others to walk all over you, especially if you don’t have boundaries.

Not having boundaries and finding it hard to say no is also caused by fear of abandonment or fear of losing friends. You want people to like you so bad that you say yes when you mean no. You fear chasing them off. You have only a few friends and don’t want to lose them.

Yet another reason why it is so hard to say NO is because you don’t really know what you want. You haven’t perfected the art of listening to your intuition. You just don’t know what’s in your head. When someone asks you for something, you say yes because you don’t know what else to say. You just go with the flow.

Now that we have discovered some of the reasons why it’s hard to say NO, let’s move on to the matter at hand: How do we set boundaries and learn to say no?

How to Set Boundaries and Learn to Say No

5 Ways to Say NO

Let’s begin by exploring 5 tools to use when learning to say NO.

1 | Learn to listen to your inner voice

The first step in learning how to say no is to start listening for your inner voice. The best way to do that is to become aware that you have a voice inside you that needs you to listen. Some of us are so completely selfless and that’s just it. You are self-less. You don’t have a self. You don’t listen, because you can’t listen. You have tuned yourself out for so long that you can’t hear your own voice.

You can start by trying to listen for your own opinions. Some people say that the first answer you get is usually your intuition. The thing is, when you are so used to not listening to yourself, you would hate the answers you get.

Learn to understand the difference between what you think you want (due to pressures from culture) and what you really want.

2 | Don’t be afraid of hurting people’s feelings

You shouldn’t be afraid of hurting other people’s feelings because you are not responsible for how anyone feels. If you made someone upset, it’s not your fault. It’s their fault for not being emotionally independent on themselves.

The average person is well adjusted and has healthy emotional intelligence. That’s why it should be easier for you to learn to say NO. The only people who will be offended are the insecure ones!

Also Read from here: How to Become Stronger Emotionally

3 | Remember that when you say no to someone, you’re saying yes to you

Remember, you are the most important person. You deserve to live life with content and happiness. Just because someone asked you for help, does not mean you absolutely have to say yes.

A lot of us are brought up to do the most for others. My mom personally loves to say, “If you help others, they’ll be there for you when you need it.”

While that’s true, I’d assume it doesn’t apply to complete strangers, and it doesn’t apply when you are going to suffer for doing it.

Most emotionally secure people are fine with taking NO for an answer. The irony of being unable to say no is that people like us find it easy to take a no, but hard to give a no!

4 | Be gentle when saying NO

If you feel evil when you say no, you can come up with some phrases that make you feel a bit better. Honestly, you don’t even need to explain your decisions. Here are some examples of phrases to say when saying no:

I’ll think about it
Let me think before I say yes
I’d like to help, but I have prior commitments
I’m sorry but I can’t do that for you
No, please.
No, thank you

Brainstorm a bunch of ways to say no that are suitable to you, and keep them handy for the next time you need to set boundaries.

Remember that having boundaries and being able to say no is a healthy emotional practice.

5 | Be firm even when they try to get you to say yes

People want to get you to do things for them. They will try and try to get through to you. If you are already known to be a giver, they know they have a chance to squirm through your protests. If you are dealing with a narcissist, they can be relentless in their pestering.

Also Read from here: How to Spot a Narcissist | Top 3 Red Flags of a Potential Narcissist

Remember that there is nothing wrong with saying no. Everyone says no. Think about it – you have been told no many times. There is no shame in refusing someone’s requests. An emotionally healthy person is completely cool with saying no and having boundaries.

5 Ways to Set Boundaries

Now that we know the tools to use to learn to say no, let’s move on to these 5 techniques to learn how to set boundaries.

1 | State your needs

Boundaries are present where there are needs to be met. We all have needs, and when they are violated, we feel a certain way. That could be anger, disappointment, or sadness.

If you want someone to respect your needs and avoid making you feel the emotions mentioned above, you need to voice your needs. You can’t expect your needs to be met if you don’t voice them out.

Of course, if you’re a victim like I used to be, you will revel and bask in being a victim when your needs go unmet. Being a victim is not an emotionally healthy sign. State your needs. That’s how you can set boundaries.

I used to think I would prefer someone to “organically” do something for me instead of asking for it. I thought it would feel better and more genuine. Now I know that if I want something, I have to ask for it. Because no one can read minds!

2 | Let there be consequences

You can’t let some things go unchecked, especially when they mean something to you. There is no glory in suffering because someone did not meet your needs, especially after you clearly stated them.

A lot of people don’t like doing the work it takes to maintain a relationship. It’s work. They would rather make it about how you are bothering them and how hard enough their life is without doing all these things for you.

Here’s where you can’t let things go unchecked. Let there be consequences. Consequences don’t have to be extreme. You can call someone out for their behavior, or you can tell them you won’t be doing certain things for them anymore.

Also Read from here: Unethical Guide to Setting Boundaries

3 | You are not selfish for having boundaries

When you start setting boundaries, people are going to notice. They will start calling you selfish and bossy. They will say, “What happened to the old Aza?”

People hate change, and now their favorite easy-going, yes-saying friend is saying no – That’s bound to ruffle a few feathers.

Be sure to remember that you are doing this for yourself. Boundaries help us to save our energy for more important personal matters.

4 | Don’t be afraid to lose people

You can’t live your whole life being afraid of losing others. I was afraid of losing people, and I did my best to be nice and keep them around. You probably know what’s coming next. Of course, I lost people, and sometimes I was the one who cut them off.

Recently, I heard this is in a YouTube video: If you want to keep someone, don’t be afraid to lose them. When you get close to someone, you have to be authentic. You can’t skirt around them, being fake and having no boundaries. You have to be the real you – because if, or when you lose them, they never really knew the real you.

Sometimes we want to be close to someone so bad, that we don’t even see that they are not right for us. Trust that the right people will stay despite you having boundaries in place.

5 | Prioritize yourself

Finally on How to Set Boundaries and Learn to Say NO: Prioritize yourself!

Having boundaries cannot successfully happen until you are ready to prioritize yourself.

Our mindsets need to change. If you don’t want to prioritize yourself, you’re going to feel bad every time you set a boundary or say no.

There are no boundaries to set if you don’t prioritize yourself.

There is always kind of a disconnect that happens when a person wants to set boundaries but does not prioritize themselves. I’ve had this happen to me. I was tired of giving others energy that was not being reciprocated. I remember crying on my bed at night and feeling so depleted. I wanted to set boundaries and I was ready to try. However, I couldn’t take myself as a priority, and until I did that, I could only set flimsy boundaries.

The Takeaway: It’s all about mindset

This has been a post on how to say boundaries and learn to say no. As much as there are actions you must take – such as setting consequences and actually saying no, you need to change your mindset about a lot of things. You need to change yourself mindset about yourself – become a priority. You also need to change your mindset about losing others.

If you found the tips in this post helpful, that’s awesome. Also, scroll down to the comments and leave some tips about how you have been able to set boundaries and say NO.

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How to Set Boundaries & Learn to say NO

Why is it so hard to say NO?