Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
I’m glad that the sickness of narcissistic personality disorder is coming to the forefront in mainstream culture and a lot of people are starting to recognize it. Narcissism is a big problem, mostly faced in romantic relationships, but also in work or family contexts. In this post, I would like to explore certain topics related with being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, but I will also dip into narcissistic parents.
What is a relationship with a narcissist like?
A relationship with a narcissist will always start out great. Almost too great. A lot of the times the red flags of a narcissist are masked by the intensity of emotions like excitement. An essential form of narcissistic abuse that usually flies under the radar is love bombing.
Love bombing is a scenario where a potential romantic partner showers you with love, energy, attention, emotional support, intimacy, gifts, glosses over your flaws, heaps praise on your strengths, and in general makes you feel really really nice.
What makes lovebombing a grey area and that not a lot of people notice it is that it’s become very normal. Society or culture dictates that love and romance must be free flowing and happy go lucky. No fights or difficult conversations.
However, love bombing is sinister and makes use of dark psychology. When you are treated so lovingly and nicely by this person, you begin to develop feelings of love, empathy, and attachment. As any sane or normal human would, of course.
But now that they know they have your love and affection, they finally begin to let loose their monstrous attitude. The lies, the cheating, and the emotional abuse begin.
Here’s a story that I read on a Facebook group:
A lady was smitten by a guy she met while working whom she knew had a partner. He always complimented her and talked on the phone – full of sweet words of affirmation and attention. A few days later the partner sent her a message saying that he was doing the same thing with 6 other girls. Buttering them up with praise while fattening his ego. She also mentioned that he was lazy and didn’t go to work, was abusive and manipulative.
I don’t see any reason for someone buttering up SIX women for any other reason other than to love bomb them and get them to fall for him while simultaneously receiving money, emotional support, and favors from them.
What are the red flags of a narcissistic person?
The concept of red flags is huge on the internet these days. There was a trend going around about the red flags in romantic partners that you should never let slide. Well, narcissists have their own flair of red flags.
Here are a few red flags of a narcissistic person:
- A narcissist will love bomb you
- A narcissist will get very angry when you set a boundary or say no
- A narcissist will jab, neg, or emotionally attack you in slight ways
- A narcissist will aggressively pursue you
- A narcissist will hide their flaws and appear to agree to anything you say
After reading these red flags of narcissists, it may seem like a lot of people are like this. But, remember that there are very many healthy safe people out there who can make you feel healthy feelings. Sometimes excitement is just fear.
How do narcissists treat their children?
We always focus on narcissistic romantic partners or narcissist exes. And while it is really unfortunate to get into a relationship with a narcissist, growing up with a narcissistic parent can wreak havoc in a person’s life. Narcissists make for very bad parents.
One thing that children need when growing up is emotional support and nurturing. A narcissistic parent can’t provide that.
Narcissists tend to be very controlling and think of their children as an extension of themselves. Children of narcissistic parents tend to grow up with low self esteem and a lot of shame from being emotionally tortured all their young life.
Can a narcissist be a good parent?
Narcissists are bad parents. But, certain times, you may never notice it because as children we are hardwired to seek love, food, and safety from our parents. Narcissists may butter up their children and the child grows up never seeing the bad side of the parent. Another case would be a narcissistic parent who is not involved with in raising the child but shows up for visits. They may appear to be an amazing parent because the child only ever sees them once in a while.
Signs of Narcissistic Abuse from Parents
Children of narcissistic parents may turn out alright, after all, they may not suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Even though one or both parents may be narcissists, they also have other family, relatives, friends, teachers, and community that may offer emotional support.
That said, children of narcissists also always end up with these signs:
- Inability to say no and set boundaries
- May act out and rebel
- Low self esteem
- Cannot make decisions on their own
- May cut off all contact with parents
Also read: How to Beat Narcissist at Their Own Game
Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
If something feels off in your life, you are way more attuned to your needs than most people. Some people have grown up with so much shame about themselves and their bodies, that they don’t or can’t notice that they are being abuse and unfairly taken advantage of by a narcissist.
With that said, here are a few signs that you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.
1. You are suffering from low self-worth
Self-worth is something that is targeted frequently by narcissists. It’s a form of dark psychology to put someone down so many times and hitting them where it hurts the most. With time, you begin to feel unworthy and unvaluable. You begin to relie on the narcissist to feel good about yourself.
Of course, no matter how much you do for them, it will never be enough. How could it be? If you gain your self-worth, you would walk out the door. This sort of psychological warfare makes sure that you forget who you are and how worthy you are.
“Worthiness is my birthright.” – Brene Brown
2. The narcissist must always be the center of attention.
One of the most identifying characteristics of a narcissist is their grandiose sense of self. Everyone talks about how this person or that person is a narcissist because they post pictures on instagram and show off. Of course, that has almost nothing to do with the insidious narcissistic personality disorder.
These people will do anything to prove that they are better than you. But it’s only because they are very insecure. Narcissists are very triggered when you do not put them up on a pedestal. They will expect you to abandon everything to make them feel like they are the greatest thing to happen to humanity.
That means they will manipulate you into slowly letting go of your friends, family, and hobbies. One day you will be sitting at home and realize that your whole life is about them and how to appease them.
3. You don’t have a personality anymore
Similar to the point above, narcissistic abuse leads to your personality washing away until you are a shell of who you once were. Since your whole life revolves around making sure the narcissist does not get angry, you have to contort your personality into something they like. You become attuned to their needs and can anticipate what they want from you without asking for it.
You forget who you are. What you like. You lose sense of your idenity because you are too invested in the narcissist.
4. Hot and cold behavior
The thing with a narcissist is that you can never win. They need to keep you guessing. They may be caring, thoughtful, and cocmpassionate one moment, then cruel and disgusted the next. It is constant battle to be good enough for them. I’ve heard of deal with a narcissist’s lovebombing being compared with gambling at a casino.
People keep going back for more because it’s addictive. You never know. It’s the thrill of maybe winning that keeps them excited and forever chasing.
If you are forever walking on eggshells for fear of what might set them off, then that’s not a true and wholesome life to live.
Sometime narcissists may discard their victims. A narcissist may break up with you for no apparent reason and leave you reeling. You can imagine how hard it will be to move on from such an intense relationship that was built on manipulation and dark psychological control.
5. You may lose it on occasion
Narcissists love to watch you fall apart for sport. It’s like a cat playing with a mouse for fun. Causing pain and havoc for no apparent reason. Narcissists use all sorts of techniques to make you absolutely lose your marbles, for example, crazy making, word salad, gas lighting, projection, shifting blame, and other manipulation tactics.
Once you lose your cool and go ballistic because of the accusations, betrayals, cheating, and unfairness, they sit back and look at you with a neutral face saying, “Look at yourself. Get ahold of yourself, you’re acting very childish and immature.”
Somehow, you became the bad guy.
Check out my e-book on narcissism: You Make Me Feel Like Crap HERE.
Personal Notes
I recently read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie on audiobook and really benefited from it. According to Thriveworks, narcissists target people with a codependent type personality. These are people who tend to internalize all their problems and conclude that it is and will always be their fault. There is a lot of shame in codependents and this makes it a fertile breeding ground for narcissists. I would recommend this book to people who seem to attract narcissists into their lives.
In this post, we have taken a look at some signs of narcissistic abuse. If you recognize yourself in them, then you have a new journey ahead of you. It’s important to recognize the red flags of a narcissist before you enter the relationship. Better safe than sorry. We also looked at how narcissists treat their children. In all, dealing with narcissists is hard. But if we learn to create and maintain boundaries, things get a bit easier.
Narcissism E-Book, Guide to Dealing with A Narcissist In Your Life
I successfully defeated a narcissist in my life, and I continue to defeat one in my life every day. This e-book is a collection of posts and journal entries that I look back on to remind me that no matter what, I am worthy. I am deserving. If you need a guide to show you how to deal with that narcissist in your life, and are called to buy this book, click here.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP – A revolutionary mini-course on how to pick up the pieces of your life and detach from malicious narcissists.
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